Today…. She didn’t really tell me directly. But I had a feeling. Trust my instincts. She tweeted something. And I knew it was for me.. I don’t understand. I guess she doesn’t want to play anymore. I don’t like her that much. But I am hurt and I am crying right now. It won’t stop, this tears. I feel betrayed. Why? This made me feel of how much a sore loser I am. I am trapped. No one could save me. Except for myself they say. I just need someone. Just one. To be there for me, to understand me. I can’t find any. None. I know nobody’s perfect. But why does everyone seem to have one? And I don’t. Not one.

Rejected. One of the things I hate to face would be rejection. What’s worse than being rejected? Making you feel unwanted. Useless even… Yes I feel useless as fuck. Even in my own family I am nothing but an invisible girl. No help at all. I know my dad’s starting to hate me. My mom betrays me. And my sister takes my brother(the only one left for me) for himself. Dad once told mom that I was no help. I’ve tried believe me yes I did. But it wasn’t enough. For him I’m still useless. I fucking hate everything and everyone right now. Why is it so hard to please someone? And why do we have to?

Just a while ago my parents fought. And I have a huge feeling my dad is mad cos of me. Did he happen to forget? I told my sister my theory and she made me feel a lot worse. I hate it. She doesn’t understand. She has no idea how I feel. She doesn’t know how it is to be rejected. She was always priority to anyone. She doesn’t know anything. Fuck this. Who would understand anyway? Everything. This is just all on me now.

This is for you. It’s true I might not truly love you with all my heart but I hope you don’t become a pain in the Chest cos you’re like the only one there. I need you.

Fuck the world

Feeling depressed… again. I want to cry. I have so many thoughts I’m keeping to myself because there’s no one to listen. I want to vent out to someone so much. But to whom? There’s no one out there. I’m all alone on this again. Just like last year. All over again. To my friend Lys, I know you’re having a tough time too. Maybe even harder than mine. But do realize that you are very lucky that there are people listening to how you feel. People telling you that they know how you feel and you are not alone. You are lucky. While me I have to face this alone. All I need was advice or maybe a hug even though I hate hugging. But no.

Today I tried vent(ing) out a little to someone. And in return I got a… I just felt 10x worse. I mean I’m not mad. But.. Did she even understand what I meant? I feel judged. She didn’t even let me finish. If you ever read this, I know you know who you are, I love you but I was just really confused with the way you reacted to something that was killing me inside. When I said “all over again” …. You don’t know how sad I felt a while ago. I was a little bit on the edge. And you pushed me off even harder. This might seem so nothing to you, it’s because you don’t know because it’s not you going through this. I’m not saying you should have told me I was right or that you agree or something. And maybe I am a negative thinker. But I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore. This is the reason most of the time I am lost. Because I can’t feel anyone guiding me. To this thing called life. It’s a dark path

So today I was really not in the mood. Morning was frustrating. I don’t know why really. I’m hoping it’s just hormones reacting or what. But all I know is. I am such a jealous freak. I hate this.

Though I promised myself to participate in class more often as a change this quarter. So I recited in my morning classes to maybe (just maybe) change my bad mood. Did not work.

Break came and I was able to exchange laughs with some after. Not knowing what I’m really laughing at. Confusion again. Moodswings reacting.

Dismissal. I really had NO energy left. To fake some laughs and act all happy and cheerful. And it was obvious. I am so sorry. I never wanted to fake a laugh. But sometimes I just have to to stop being asked what my problem was. Not that I don’t want to be asked because i do. But this is just feelings i can’t explain. Even to myself. So I’d like to lay low if you may. But not all the time I’m faking. Most of the time, I really am laughing. You can see the difference if you are a true friend.

Sam, if you’re reading this, gusto ko lang sabihin sayo na I’m SO sorry. I have no problem with you, really. (if yun iniisip mo) well except sometimes napipikon ako. But anyway. I am just not in the mood. Frustrating :( I love u Sam na mukang siopao.

Who do I stand with?

I am writing here because these are some confidential stuffs coming from deep down my heart. Things the public wont ever know because i wont ever tell. This is like having me and this blog against the world because who else would stay? i dont know. 

I always had problems about friendship. Everything never calms down and works out for me effortless. Its either im torn between two worlds or left with no one. Always. Guess maybe it is also my fault in some ways, because I am never contented with what I have. Ever. I am selfish. I know that now. I want everything to be mine or atleast almost mine. This personality is so annoying i wish it would stop. I am also awkward. 

But sometimes I wonder if it is always my fault? Maybe. Because this confusion is always present in my list of problems. Or maybe not. I dont know. Most of the time i dont know. Dont know what i feel dont know what im thinking dont know if i should even think about it. Mostly i dont know where i belong. Where I should belong. 

Always the black sheep. 

always laughed at. 

there is a huge difference with laughing at you and laughing WITH you. Right.

Sometimes I laugh with these people who laugh at me. why? Why do I laugh but suddenly feel bad about myself after?

insane.

PS: If I had given you the privilege to read this blog, then you may be close to being worthy. Importante you, so dont change. I hope you keep all things you read to yourself. Because I have kept this in private in fear of being judged or laughed at or what. Sometimes, not everything is funny and to be laughed at. Especially a post like this.